INTRODUCTION:
Recently, Hayden Panettiere talked to 'Live with Kelly and Michael' openly about postpartum depression, and how confusing a time this can be for new mothers. Mothers everywhere applauded and thanked her for her courage. In the spirit of openness, I would like to share a breakdown I had too.
I have not suffered with postpartum depression and I felt very lucky about that. I was worried I might be particularly susceptible to it because I have mental health issues in my family, such as bipolar disorder. That being said I'm still a human in the new and all encompassing world of parenthood and I did recently have a very overwhelming emotional breakdown. It was a compilation of many things-but was brought to a head by Nintendo's new Super Mario Maker.
When we were dating, my husband and I would play Super Mario Brothers, which I was always very good at and he was bad at because he plays all the games and isn't used to the reaction time of a 25 year time capsule. We never discussed it, but we both knew that's why I would win. Nintendo recently released Super Mario Maker, which is this increedible game that lets you create your own levels, using anything, in any of your favorite Mario games. Adorably, my husband said he wanted to create a level just for me.
He's been working on these levels for a bit and he's so creative and a perfectionist so they're beautiful and the Wii community is leaving him great feedback about them. So, last Friday I thought it would be fun if I tried one of them "Goomba Town", it looked awesome. He set the game up and took the baby fully prepared to talk our 4 month old through how cool I am.
The music started up and there's this jump right at the beginning. I tried over and over and over-but I couldn't do it. At first it was funny and we were laughing. But as I kept trying a very strange thing happened. I started to feel like the old me, the pre-mom me would've been able to do it and I started to become sad and embarrassed about how much of me had changed. My husband watched in growing horror about how hard I was taking it, "Why don't you try an easier level?" he asked me. But that just made me feel worse.
In the end I was crying and rather than explaining that I ran upstairs and got in the shower and cried for 20 minutes about how I wasn't who I was anymore. I wasn't pretty or sexy or cool. I hadn't slept for more than 4 hours in 4 months, I hadn't showered, my eyebrows are every where, my nails haven't been done since my baby shower, I still have 25lbs to lose, my skin is atrocious and the lady who cut my hair thinks that mom-hair is a requirement now. Seriously. I wanted Pink's hair cut because she's so cool and fashionable and a mom also and I walked out with the same cut my old, Italian aunts got once a week on Fridays.
When I get a break, I do dishes or laundry. Or I take a shower for the first time in an embarrassing number of days. I don't go get my nails done. When I have an extra $100 the baby needs a coat, and is outgrowing every size every month rather than the 3 months it says on the tags. I don't go get my hair done. Things are different now. I have a son.
Don't get me wrong, this is the most amazing thing, and I love my son immeasurably but I just wonder where did I go? I feel less like the person I was and I'm not quite the person I will be. We're in this stage of staying home every day for him to sleep and breastfeed. He's hit another growth spurt-it is what it is. Getting other moms out to play dates is also no easy task. Even if you're really committed to making mom friends like me.
But I do have to say once the baby is out there's a pretty big disconnect between what the human body is capable of and what people selling stuff want you to think it's capable of. Celebrities like Beyonce and others claim that they did no workouts to get their bodies back- just breastfed. Of course! Although they probably aren't eating just whatever and have personal chefs. Body shaming is so real for new moms. Check out this gem:
Now I'm not saying she shouldn't be proud of her body, I'm saying "give me an effin break, Maria!" Quick show of hands, who here thinks its her husband that works all day and then takes care of the kids for the 1-2 hours she's at the gym?? Anyone? Me neither. This shit is unrealistic! That's probably why of the millions of moms in the world Maria here is "hot mom".
But I digress.
All I'm saying is it's a lot. More than it looks like from the outside and if we can't be real with the world, let's work to be real with each other. I'm struggling with some stuff, guys. And it's silly, petty stuff that in no way measures to the task and responsibility at hand here. But it still hurts being not quite me.
Thanks for listening. If you would like to talk about what you're going though, I'm happy to listen. Email me: di@wickedmamas.com