Foster care is one of those things people don't usually discuss. There's this weird stereotype that exists in that community that those kids are different, even dangerous. I rather blame shows like Criminal Minds. Usually 99% of their serial killers grew up in foster care. People are so helpful. I suppose the idea is that these kids come with baggage that people just don't want to deal with. Which I guess is why about 18,000 kids per year "age out" of foster care having never been adopted. This was always strange to me because of the desperation of people looking to adopt-spending thousands to go abroad and adopt foreign born babies-but I digress.
I grew up in foster care and over the years, I have been asked everything you can possibly imagine, usually by strangers, because I've been forced to reveal that fact about myself. It's human nature. People are curious about things that aren't their experience. I even did an expert panel where potential foster parents had questions about their future foster children, really wild.
It's usually well meaning, and I always felt if a little discomfort to me as an adult helped even one kid not have to feel ostracized, then it's worth it! Here are the Frequently Asked Questions on growing up in foster care.
1. How long were you in foster care?
I was in care from the time I was 3 on. I moved around and was in and out of care from age 3-8 and then with the same family from 8-to age out.
2. Why were you in foster care?
Child Abuse. All the kinds.
3. Do you have any baggage?
I don't think so. I have history- like anyone. I spent a lot of time and money on therapy understanding that things happened to me because of adults that had their own problems and were not a result of things I had done, or had caused.
4. Were you ever ostracized?
Yes. In first grade I was sent home because parents found out I was a foster kid and didn't want me being educated with their children. The adults worked it out, but I was aware of it, and it hurt a lot because I didn't think I was different.
5. Are you different now?
Yes. I had to work really hard to get to where I am. I went to college late because I had to pay for it myself, but I did really well and my life is really normal. Although, normal for me is really blissful because I know how much worse it could've ended for me. Only 3% of kids in foster care graduate college. I'm very lucky- I learned early the importance of being your own advocate.
6. Are you still in touch with your birth parents?
Sort of. My birth father checks in pretty regularly and is respectful to my person hood. My birth mother had to be put in permanent time out because she refused to respect my boundaries and wanted to pretend she'd been a great mother and that child services just victimized her because they have a quota to fill. When I became pregnant with my son she was all over me about being his grandmother and how I should let her be in his life. No matter how many times I re-established my boundaries she didn't want to hear it. So, that's that.
7. Are you still in touch with your foster family?
No. That's a very long story, which I will share, but not today because it exhausts me. Short version: social services does not have the resources to properly vet people and that can end badly. I'll link to the full story later.
8. What is the worst part of aging out of foster care?
Not having any family to guide you or support you. I didn't know enough about being an adult when I was forced to be one. I didn't know about budgeting or bills, but I figured it out. I couldn't afford to live on my own in Boston so I moved to Atlanta and learned to be a grown up there. It really worked out. That being said, I always worried I'd have to hire actors if I ever got married. As it turns out, you get to make your own family in life.
9. Coming from an abusive childhood, are you afraid you'll hurt your children?
Yes, I swear I've heard this before, and often. My answer is "No". Although I wonder if those people are afraid their stupidity will pass to their children.
10. When should foster kids be introduced to the rest of the family?
Start in phases, immediate family first. If you need to go to a family event remind people the child is coming. If you have a weird relative who is going to make the child uncomfortable-you know who they are-try to stay with them during any time they need to spend with Aunt Loony Pants, and then debrief the child after that "we all know aunt loony pants says silly things." Put yourself on the side of the child when possible.
CONCLUSION:
The large majority of foster kids-like every other stereotype-don't adhere to the stigma or stereotype. What they actually are, are kids who need love, commitment and support. If you have space in your heart and your home, Mamas, consider taking in a foster child.
If you have any specific questions, email me at: di@wickedmamas.com I'm always happy to help!